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I lay there…every night…watching the spastic shapes from the glitter night light writhe across the ceiling trying so hard to quickly fall asleep for a few blasted hours or minutes before the alarm goes off.  I’ve a warm dog tummy under my hand, a snoring man next to me…why am I not blissfully asleep? OK…picture a canvas…a nice big blank primed stretched canvas, and that’s it. With a matte black wall behind it, no distractions.  No paints near, no marking accoutrements…just a lovely naked white expanse.  Get rid of all those thoughts cluttering the space…UGH…it’s not working…my canvas all of a sudden has stuff on it…I’ll never sleep…look in the corner…those silly hopes and dreams of childhood…well those are in pencil I can erase them…over there all the crap that tatters all lives: disappointment, betrayal, torture, disapproval, self hatred…erasable ink…some of that can go…OY…now cropping up in quick dry acrylic, black of course: tomorrow’s schedule, work, make money, spend money, nothing to show for money, contemplate what could be, what should be, what never will be…great here come the plashes of Technicolor with textured medium mixed in…accomplishments I want to accomplish tomorrow so I feel whole, they are a blob of no shape so if I don’t accomplish them I won’t feel too bad…right…I feel bad already…things I want to just finish so I can start something new without leaving anything unfinished…that unfortunately has shape as I know what’s there…there it is…looking at me with laser eyes…melting through my skull…’Just finish me…I’m not that difficult’…sigh…still not asleep…my canvas is dripping globs of  my life on the floor…do I sweep it up or just put another canvas there to catch the run off to be contemplated at a later date?  F in hymer it…I’ll pick up a hand full of glitter from that damn nightlight and throw a fist full at the wet paint…HA how’s that for tactile giggle ee tude.  Warm dog rolls over seemingly disturbed by the goings on in my head…perhaps I was thinking too loud?!? Shhhh…don’t wake any one up!  Don’t look at the clock…Don’t look at the clock…DON’T LOOK AT THE CLOCK! ………..5:14am…thus the plaintive screaming of the alarm sounds the new day…quick to shut it off…no sense everyone waking up…hmmm…why not? Paste on that smile…time to go again…

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Comment by linda harriott/UK on January 27, 2012 at 3:38am

Oh yes

Comment by Barbara Graham on January 26, 2012 at 8:38am

Powerfully written. You've captured the nights of many of us.

Comment by Virginia/SD on January 26, 2012 at 7:58am

Nicely done and Oh, Soo True!  Keep up the great writing, no matter how you have to do it. *smiles*

Comment by Elaine-mom-nana-wife'iepoo on January 26, 2012 at 7:17am

:) this is my journal...and wordpress...my handwriting is quite horrid and attempting to write eventually is quite painful...go figure I can work with a key board all day without pain...hmmm...lets just hope the bomb never dros and erases all the computers!

Comment by Sue S. / OR on January 26, 2012 at 6:53am

Elaine.....you have such a way with words.  I share many of those same feelings/thoughts waking in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep.  I agree with Pam, keep this in a journal!

Comment by Pam/NY on January 26, 2012 at 6:37am

Elaine...that was beautifully said and oh so true for many of us. You're a very good writer...hope you are keeping this and others in a journal.

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