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Had a revelation the other day...

When I was in Arizona, Jim and I were at the shopping center where my accident occurred. I had a post traumatic stress episode and just started sobbing and then got angry. I've been to the area several times since my accident and felt nervousness, but have never reacted like this before. Poor Jim had no clue as to what is going on, why is Linda sobbing like that, and then why is she yelling? Meanwhile, he's trying to get us out of there as quickly as possible. Did I mention that there was a Barrett Jackson event going on? Traffic was far heavier than normal and you didn't get anywhere quickly. By the time we got home, I had managed to calm down a bit, but I became extremely depressed...for 5 weeks...and terribly homesick.

At the same time, the adoption went thru for my rescue puppy, Indy. I emailed my doctor explaining what happened and telling him that I didn't understand my reaction. I also told him about Indy, because he had told me I should get a therapy dog about 2 years previously. His answer....about time, cute dog. What?? What kind of answer was that?

With other health issues cropping up and now a puppy to look forward to, I started talking myself out of the depression. Afterall, I had come this far in 4 years and I'm still on this side of the grass. So why quit now, right? Besides being depressed, was no way to live. I have grandchildren and a puppy to live for and 2 sons to aggrevate if I haven't done so enough already.

The other day I was in with my doctor and he asked me what am I angry at? My answer was the guy who hit me and the resulting injuries that are affecting my entire lifestyle and are creating ongoing problems. Then yesterday Pastor was visiting and he asked the same question...What or who am I angry at? I gave him the same answer. Then he asked but who am I really mad at? I told him I am not mad at God for letting this happen to me. Of course, Pastor  said that was a good Christian answer.

Here's the revelation...I'm angry at myself. Before I went into that shopping center, either God or his messenger angel was telling me to go straight home. Do not go into the shopping center. I heard it loud and clear and I ignored it! I ignored a message of God! Because I ignored that message I am now paying the consequences. However, in spite of ignoring His message, He still loved me and had a host of angels around me to protect me from death. I lived because of God's amazing grace and forgiveness. The question now is...Can I forgive myself?

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions" to the Lord -- and you forgave the guilt of my sin."                    Psalm 32:5

Indy has been with me for almost a week now. He is such a sweetie, except he is not housebroken. He is a rescue puppy from a puppy mill, so it will take time to train him since he is 18 months old already. He also is not use to being around people and my house has been grand central station. But he is adjusting pretty good as long as every one just leaves him alone and lets him take his time getting acclimated.

I've managed to get Hanna's quilt pressed and sandwiched together. I started quilting late this afternoon. I got about 1/3 done before my eyes started getting tired. Last night I made my 2 March Craftsy BOM and even got them posted today. Tuesday I put together a vest that was already cut out by one of the members of my church back in AZ. It was one of those preprinted panels. It was fun doing all the embellishments. Now in the line up is...finish Hanna's quilt, 2 Round Robin blocks, Jan-Mar Country Junktion Block of the month,  2 quilts for RWYS, 1 valor quilt & 1 comfort quilt for one of the ladies at my church in AZ.  Oh, and 2 quilts for myself! And that's not even touching the UFO pile!

It's getting late and Indy is pawing at me which an indication in her dog language to get to bed!! Good night!

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Comment by Linda Koller on March 10, 2012 at 1:52pm

Don't worry negative comments are not going to get me down. But I also don't want negative people around me. I'm trying very hard to keep upbeat people around me so I can stay positive. After all I have survived what the doctors and police tell me was impossible. It is truly a miracle that I am alive today. When people are negative around me, I just want them away. It's like saying "Satan get behind me!" I don't focus on them...My focus is on God. Thank you for your encouragement.

Comment by Carol Ann Hinton on March 10, 2012 at 1:39pm

Linda, please don't let any negative comments get you down; it's a unfortunate side effect of having an internet connection, even one as mild and supportive as those of us who blog on CT.  You have obviously been through a very bad time.  You deserve to have the love and devotion of that cutest-dog-ever who has come into your life!  Chin up!  Do not focus on negativity. My best wishes for you both.

Comment by Margo in Maine on March 10, 2012 at 5:28am

Forgive me if this offends anyone...but the Bible says, we comfort others whereby we ourselves have been comforted....your sharing will touch another person that others may not understand just simply because you have walked through it...that is a powerful thing. ...Be blessed as you heal, quilt and enjoy your new little one....they bring much comfort.

Comment by Linda Koller on March 9, 2012 at 2:13pm

to Its Vic - I do not wish to "friend" you to leave you a message. First of all my doctor is an excellent doctor and is doing an excellent job. Secondly, I am not seeking attention but I have the right to share my faith and feelings. Actually, it was the doctor that suggested a therapy dog. And for your information I grew up with dogs. And don't pity Indy because he will have a very good, loving home for the rest of his days. You have taken my blog completely out of context in a very negative tone which is not appreciated.

Comment by Barbara Graham on March 9, 2012 at 8:29am

Good to read that you are working your way through some of the depression. That precious dog will surely help you in many ways.

Comment by Shannon, ON on March 9, 2012 at 8:22am

The accident was not your fault by being there. It was the fault of whomever hit you.

Get past the blame and faulting and enjoy your new puppy. He will bring you joy and new life. Focus on the positive things in your life and do not dwell on the past. You are alive.

Comment by Nancy George on March 9, 2012 at 6:56am

God surrounds us with his loving grace and will continue to do so forever.  You and Indy are a perfect

pair.  Happy quilting and thanks for the wonderful posts.

Comment by Irene Gallway on March 9, 2012 at 5:12am

So nice to read your post Linda and see that you work through everything knowing God is always there for you.  I'm glad you have your family and Indy to help you through these low points.  A pet is good therapy.  She is soooooo cute.

Comment by Linda Koller on March 9, 2012 at 4:21am

I appreciate the comments. It's good to know that I can share my faith and my personal feelings. What's really good is when I receive comments like yours telling me that I've inspired them or they appreciate that fact that I can share my feelings from such a devastating car accident. Blogging has been my saving grace from the results of post traumatic stress...depression, anger, and loneliness. It has also been therapy for brain trauma and is helping to retrain my brain to take over for the part of my brain that is no longer functioning. So sometimes if things don't run smoothly or look quite right, I have an excuse. It takes me longer than normal to review trying to make sure everything is good before I click the "post". Again, thank you for you encouraging comments. Hugs and God Bless,

Comment by June Johnson/Wi on March 8, 2012 at 8:18pm

I love your dog!  He is so cute.  Your blog entries are so inspiring to me spiritually.  Your faith in our Lord is amazing!  Thank you so much for sharing your faith with all of us.  Blessings.

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