I know how corny I sound.
I can hear myself.
But, everything seems to be coming together. Like my life was a box holding metal puzzle pieces that I had turned upside down and now, somehow, I’ve managed to find a magnet just strong enough to be slowly pulling the pieces together in a strange orderly fashion.
One foot in front of the other instead of one drink after the next.
My life isn’t perfect.
I am still much more comfortable in chaos. But happy? Im getting there.
In AA, I have heard that the point is to, through staying sober, working the steps and helping other alcoholics, build a life that you would be unwilling to give up for drugs and alcohol. Goals are nice, don’t misunderstand, but I had one question:
“What the hell am I supposed to do now?"
When looking at my life through sober eyes just provides a front row center crystal clear view of the mountain of humiliation, pain and wreckage created, where do I go from here?
My shrink responded with something to the effect of, “In early sobriety, when it seems like you are in a room full of horse shit, the only thing that will carry you through is a nearly blind child-like faith: Knowing that if you dig through it, there’s a pony in there somewhere.”
That’s easier said than done sometimes, but I dig the analogy- and my shrink. And honestly, I have had a lot to be grateful for lately. Friday, April fifteenth I celebrated thirty days clean and sober and tomorrow, Monday the eighteenth is Brandon’s (natal not AA) birthday.
Flower Sugar, Small Florals, by Lecien Fabrics (imported from Japan)
Flower Sugar, Dots, by Lecien Fabics (imported from Japan)
So, in spite of not being able to keep my eye on the prize, for lack of sight (see: maturity/experience/etc.) cheers to everyone else who is digging in to whatever they have piled up in “their room” and is determined to find the joy and happiness in their life. I know it is there.
Here’s to getting my hands dirty and washing my conscience clean.